btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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