Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
