We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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