Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
