Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
