on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
