I seem to have left my pride at pride
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
