There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
