hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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