I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
