So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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