Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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