my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
