i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
