Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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