The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
