he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He shit in the fireplace
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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