Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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