sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Semen is not good for contacts.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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