Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
