Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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