Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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