I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I party with great urgency now.
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