My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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