I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
