the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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