is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
