Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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