I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
