my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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