Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
