The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
