I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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