You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
did you just send me my own nude
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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