I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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