the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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