have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
