Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
