bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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