She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
