You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
