Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
