How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
