Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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