he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
