so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
