you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
