I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
