Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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