dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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